NUUK — Vice President JD Vance was met with a cold reception early Friday when he arrived in Greenland to find a grand army furiously making snowballs to defend against an invasion from the United States.

U.S. — Kart Rite Manufacturing (KRM) issued a nationwide recall this week following the discovery of a grocery store shopping cart that had four properly functioning wheels.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Movie production has officially ceased, ending the dreams of aspiring actors and screenwriters everywhere, as all Hollywood studios collectively agreed that they would never be able to top 1977's Smokey and the Bandit.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The controversy surrounding Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and his tattoo choices intensified earlier this week after he unveiled a brand-new "Kill All Commies" tattoo on his forehead.

LONDON — British authorities took one of the U.K.'s most dangerous individuals off the streets, with police announcing the arrest of an 80-year-old woman for using a butter knife to spread butter on her toast.